I Was A 27-Year-Old Teenager On A Mission! (Pt. 4: Breakin' the Law)

TODAY'S QUESTION FOR COMMENTING: What's the last rule you remember breaking? Chime in after today's post! - Erin

(Continued from yesterday's post.)

Friday, July 15, 2006

1:01 p.m.

Before I go into total stealth-teenager mode for the book discussion, I'm going to warm up with some general rule breaking. Teenagers are rule breakers by default, since it's impossible to play by all the rules all the time when everyone but you -- parents, teachers, security guards -- gets to make them.

My stomach is growling something fierce, and thus I've chosen an appropriate rule to break: the no-eating rule. I'm determined to work up the nerve to drink my Slimfast . . . in . . . the . . . library! A real rebel, I am. In truth, I haven't actually seen any physical signs that say NO FOOD OR DRINK. But I also haven't seen any signs that say SHUT UP, BE QUIET, IT'S A LIBRARY! We all know that's understood, though, don't we? And I think the food and drink one is, too. Since Slimfast is both a food and a drink, I am being doubly ballsy by even considering this.

1:07 p.m.

I have now worked up the nerve to remove the Slimfast from my backpack. It is next to me, on the floor of the library, under my wadded up red hoodie.

1:12 p.m.

Having skimmed the first few pages of my books, I take a moment to shake up my Slimfast. This makes a surprisingly load noise, magnified by the relative silence of the library stacks. When I shake the can, I also get water on my face -- condensation that's been collecting on top of the can for the past two hours. The books, thankfully, are spared. Oh, how I love library books. Of all the possible petty crimes for which I could be hauled off to the slammer today, destroying library books shant be the one.

1:13 p.m.

After all the noisy shaking, I set the can back down under my sweater. It makes a clanging noise that any trained security guard must surely know is the sound of an aluminum beverage can hitting the marble floor of a public library. My eyes dart around, looking for other humans who might be watching me through the stacks. Nothing.

1:15 p.m.

Oh lord, I have opened it. I have popped the top of the Slimfast can! It was the loudest, longest opening of anything ever. The mouth of the Grand Canyon opened faster than this. I am amazed no one has come to collect me yet. How is it possible I am not painfully but comically bouncing down the sidewalk on my bum? Where is the paddy wagon?

It seems I have committed the perfect crime. Still, I am not going to get cocky. I put the open can under my sweater again, keeping my eyes pealed and hoping no lint is falling from the sweater into my "lunch."

1:21 p.m.

Mission accomplished! I am officially a rule-breaker of 10-story library proportions. My stomach is full (well, not full exactly because, let's get real, we're talking Slimfast here) and the can is empty (except for those pesky drops that won't go in my mouth but will surely drip onto my clothes). But the point is I have eaten in the library! Ha! It's liberating! You might even say I feel 19 again.

Oh, and in case you're wondering how to pull off such a daring caper, here's how I did it: I held a book in front of my face and took very big gulps. Pure. Genius.

(To be continued tomorrow . . . The Slimfast incident was nothing! In part five, I am drunk with rule-breaking power!)